Sylvain’s Story
This is a true account of an unusual, to say the least, personal experience. In fact, it should have been frightening, but it wasn’t for reasons which will become clear later.
I would probably never written about it if it hadn’t been for my lovely friend Clare to whom I one day confided into. Clare told me that it would be of interest for others on their journey through life. So, here we are.
It all happened about thirty years ago. For the past twelve to eighteen months I had been in the emotional throes of a broken relationship, drowning in a sea of despair, obsessively seeking the reasons for the terribly brutal unexpected end of the relationship (you guess right that the breakup wasn’t my initiative!), and the means to reverse it and get the relationship back. My search was so intense that I couldn’t think of anything else, incapable of acting ’normally’ for more than a few minutes. I could just about maintain a working pretence. Fortunately, I was an outside consultant, and I could work remotely and still earn a living… I was so lucky! I am sure that I was close to insanity. The only thing I could do to help was to walk.
I did walk, every day, from dusk to dawn. As I was in Camden (a part of North London, UK), and I had on my doorstep both the Regents Canal, my principal walking ground, and occasionally Regents Park. The subject of my intense and constant rumination: raking my brains for any information, practical and emotional memories, ‘ideas’ on any sort, to help getting that relationship back on track! Talking to myself!
You might understand why I wouldn’t want to publish this episode of my life as, if it might resonate with some unfortunate suffering lovers, it will sound to many as the ramblings of a deranged individual…. So, why writing about it at all? Well, it is because of what happened next….
Even all these years later I could take you to the exact site where something totally unexpected occurred. I was walking on the towpath of the Regent Canal, arriving where it cut through the London Zoo. Just as one arrives next to the aviary. One moment my brain was, as usual, overwhelmed by an endless string of questions and self-talks as it had been for months, the next… nothing! Paradoxically at this location full of birds’ songs my mind became totally quiet instantly, and the inner storm replaced by an infinite universe of peace.
All the heartache, all the questions and potential answers, all defused instantly. The most extraordinary part of this was that, after a few minutes of blissful rest, not only did it become very clear that I was still here, aware, and cognitive but that furthermore I ‘knew’ what had happened: I had come to the end of what people call conditioning. Who I thought I was had used all practical and emotional data, stored for almost fifty years and, having tried all possible ideas and combinations thereof, couldn’t provide the answer to the conundrum (it did and does remind me of the Sphynx enigma, the Tower of Babel, of the Holy Grail, of Jason’s Golden Fleece, etc). The ‘ego’ got defeated and lost its commanding position. In this process all of the accumulated learned information of fifty odd years remained clearly accessible but relegated into de-activated memory and seen as totally unsafe material (all of it!) as it had been accumulated without thorough testing….
What happened next and since? Well, after a long moment of absolute inner peace and joy, I turn round and went back to my office picking up the threads left loose many months earlier… and then my life changed dramatically and for the much, much better: I WAS FOR´REAL’!
It is tempting to describe my experience as being re-born, but this wasn’t really the case. I never lost memories. I could still operate using my conditioning - i.e. the learned rules of society - but with great caution. In effect I was aware that I needed to re-educate myself from the very beginning having tested and understood it all to my satisfaction (nothing learned from others at this stage). Only, much later, when very strong, stable, and reliable foundation had been constructed was one able to decide on other’s veracity and welcome such knowledge. I never went back, and the construction of upper levels goes on still to this day, still with great passion and curiosity, about that amazing adventure called life. Yes, life is real to me, and I am a willing participant!
There is a time for childhood in life when fun is welcome, even necessary. ´Fun’, however, is for children only. Life demands that we participate willingly and seriously. All suffering comes for our refusal to serve life’s best interest - our best interest! When taken seriously life is an on-going source of joy and inner peace at all times.